you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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