my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
