he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
