I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
