Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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