Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
