I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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