I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
