um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
