There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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