i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
