If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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