So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
