i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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