went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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