I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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