First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
