That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have already put on my inside pants.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
