Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
