It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
