My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
