he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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