i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
