I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
