i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
