I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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