he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
