dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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