He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
