im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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