i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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