Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
