Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
