She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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