I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
