Rock
Scissors
Fuck
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
