My sheets look like a crime scene.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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