So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am midnight drunk by noon
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
