how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
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Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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