Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
