somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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