Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
