Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
