Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
