His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
