When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize