I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
