if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
