a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
now i know why i became what i already was.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
