I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's shark week go big or go home
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
