you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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