In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
