apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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