This is not my ceiling
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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