I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
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My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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