Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
