Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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