He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need to sanitize my soul.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
