it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
