she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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