tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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