he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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